Survival Tips

Dear Satan…ehem, I mean Boy,

Really appreciate your honesty in the post about your feelings. Oops, the most dreaded f-word in the man-book. Seriously, though, I don’t know many men who can attest to having been this open. Bravo. Yes, that’s bitterness you’re reading between those lines.

Anyway, to your question: What should one do to help them survive that first month of the break up?

I hope this isn’t cheating, but could I possibly rephrase the question? I’m asking because one of the promises we’ve made to our audience here is that we aren’t going to talk in “breakup phases”. You may hear this from me a lot, but I find it completely counterintuitive to buy into the idea that a broken heart follows regimented, sequential steps until just one day…POOF, you’re healed! Give me a break. There are way to many different people in this world to make any one situation- let alone any relationship-exactly the same and therefore DON’T LABEL US THE SAME.

Ok, off my soapbox. I’m just rephrasing the question to omit the term “in that first month of the break up” because I think that there are just things you have to do, plain and simple, when you end a relationship. When you do them? Well, that’s not for me to dictate. You can only do it on your own time. Should you try to do them sooner rather than later? Probably, but again: no formula.

Here’s what I suggest (in no particular order):

1. Get rid of everything you can that reminds you of them: Okay, as much as you can stand. If you're unable to part with something because of its value (either emotionally or monetarily), then don't. But limit yourself to not very many of these, like unnecessary t-shirts and souvenirs. Once you've purged...

2. Say yes to everything social: No matter how horrible you're feeling, it's pretty much always a good idea to force yourself to rejoin society. So, don't discriminate. Set a policy for yourself that if you're invited to something, you'll go. If it's that bad, you can always leave. If things go well, though, maybe you'll...

3. Kiss someone else: Notice I've very intentionally said to kiss someone else. Hold your horses on the other stuff for as long as you can. Trust me - it's a band-aid that will hurt really, really hard when you pull it off. As for the kiss, it feels damn good. No reason to feel guilty. You're NOT cheating. You're simply human and need to feel wanted. Beware of high hopes, however. There are a lot of REALLY BAD kissers out there and the confidence after the kiss doesn't stick around very long. If you're looking to cuddle...

4. Cuddle with your pet (or get one to cuddle with): If you don't like pets, I can't help you there. I've got a dog and she heals my heart every single day just by looking up at me with her "I need you mommy" face. I like feeling needed. Probably the number one form of therapy I could recommend.  Just one of the many ways, however, to... 

5. Distract your mind: The more activities you can find to distract yourself, the better, but if you can find something about yourself that you used to really enjoy before you started dating this person but was for whatever reason NOT appreciated or prioritized in your relationship (maybe it's a different haircut - for me, it's listening to music that makes me feel great). Why? Because it's who you are and you should be you, whether you're in a relationship or not. As a test for myself to see if I'm really distracted or just pretending to be, I always think it's a good idea to...

6. Pick something you used to be able to focus on before the breakup and that now is impossible to focus on because of your breakup. Here's mine: 

I’m a nerd and listen to a lot of public radio. Actually, I don’t always listen. In fact, that’s how I’ve been able to train myself (on some days at least) to focus on something other than my failed relationship. 


So, I turn on the radio and do my very best to listen to a news story all the way through. This never used to be a problem for me, by the way (I’m not ADD and the stories are generally very interesting to me). But now it’s difficult because all I can think about is what went wrong with my love life and whether or not I made the right decision.  


If I can make it through an entire story…and better yet, if I can make it through, enjoy and learn something from a news story on the radio, I know that I’ve made progress.

Do I sometimes fail my own test the day after I passed it? Yes, but it’s still important for me to remember that there’s more to life than my breakup. A wake up call for digging yourself out of what can easily become a very, very selfish and sad existence.

And I like the challenge. So what’s your test?

Here’s the thing that really gets me, though. It truly is possible that I’ll never find the kind of love that I’m so sure is out there? Because if that’s a possibility, then what am I doing all of this self-healing for?

I mean, even as I’m typing this I don’t really believe that I’ll be alone forever – but it’s possible isn’t it? I’ve come this far and not found it, haven’t I? Who’s to say that it exists at all? As Ben Folds says, maybe “Love just leaves you bruised.” (That’s my question for you, by the way…how do you move on and remain confident in your decision if there’s no guarantee you’ll find anything better?)

Dear Girl,

Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with the whole “Will I be alone forever,” thing…I’ll be addressing that in my next post!  Besides, push comes to shove you come and live with me and my wife and kids in our Villa…or you come live with me in my one bedroom apartment where we have only canned food and no can opener and you are forced to bath me with moist towelets from KFC as I write poems about loneliness in water colors moistened with my tears…EITHER WAY you won’t be alone!

            
Back to the topic at hand though…I agree that the healing process is not a one month venture…I’m on month 7^th and I still have some really shitty days, but I’m still going to address some of what I think are the best things to do in the early days of the break up…

1.    LET YOURSELF MOURN: It’s not a new idea, but yes a break up is a lot like the death of a loved one.  You and your significant other became a single entity, you were no longer just Bob and Jan, when people talked about you they said (in one quick cookie monster esq garble) BOBNJAN.   You built a world together, and that world is gone now.  The person that you were when you were with them is gone.  Your significant other is gone.  BOBNJAN is dead…and it hurts deeply.  Let yourself feel that hurt in the beginning, if you need to spend a few days curled up crying then do it.  You’re hurting enough as it is, don’t go against the current, let it carry you for a while.  I was bad about this and it’s why I’m still feeling so shitty today.  I put off feeling the loss for months and now I’m still reeling as it seeps in more and more day by day painting my new reality.

2.    BE NICE TO YOURSELF: Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee you are going to feel like shit. You are going to tear yourself apart in the way only you can.  It’s going to be hard, but try to be nice to yourself.  Allow yourself to eat that extra piece of cake, sleep that extra hour, dance, go shopping, waste hours on Café World or watching Office reruns.  Do the things that make you feel good.

 
3.    DON’T BE ALONE:  Yes, in the first couple of days if you want to be alone…okay, but I highly recommend getting your friends involved ASAP.  You went from 2 to 1 and it’s going to leave you feeling extremely lonely…you aren’t.  You have friends, you have family, and this is the time where they really earn their titles.  Call on them, let them be there for you. Try to have something planned daily with someone. 


4.    WRITE:  You have too much inside you, too many emotions, let them out. Open your Microsoft word and just write.  Free flowing the way Freud would have wanted it…just say whatever you want…the things you want to say to your ex, the things you want to say to yourself…pour it out and I promise you you’ll feel lighter when it’s done. 


5.    LIMIT COMMUNICATION: The person you are going to want to talk to most about your break up and your feelings is…YOUR EX…don’t.  Depending on the situation some breaks are “cleaner” than others.  If you have your own apartments then it’s going to be much easier.  If you share an apartment, bank account, have pets, or kids…well things are going to be harder.  Based on what ties you have to one another you may need to communicate to deal with issues like bills, little Jimmy’s cold, and Rover’s neutering,  but for the most part if you can avoid calling, emailing, texting, facebook stalking, etc you’ll be MUCH better off.  It’s like coming off of a drug and the first week or two is the hardest but get through that hump and you’ll be much better.

6.    EXERCISE:  Working out will release proper endorphins to make you feel better…PLUS if you’re the dumpee what’s better revenge than a hot bod…and if you’re the dumper you’ve got to get back out onto the hunting grounds and need to look good…work them sexy peacock feathers.

7.    KEEP BREATHING:  Keep breathing, keep moving, keep living, because as dark and thick as this forest is I promise you you’ll find your way out of it.

Till next time.  You are never alone.

Sincerely,

Boy