Dear Girl,
Alcohol is bad. It seems good at the time of consumption, but it’s the next day and all It’s doing for me today is making me slightly nauseous, anxious, and really sad. The “fuck it all” attitude it gave me on round three is gone and now it’s the next day and I’m back to battling with myself…I could crawl into my bed and try to sleep the pain away, but who are we kidding it’ll be there when I wake up. Best I can do is write some of it out to lessen the anchor inside my chest that is my heart. I feel like now is a good time to address the question of, “How do you move on and remain confident in your decision if there’s no guarantee you’ll find anything better?” in the hopes that I can convince myself of that exact thing…
Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee the relationship ended for a reason. Something wasn’t right. One or both of you wasn’t happy or fulfilled to a point where you felt like you had to end it. I’m going to give a few words for both the dumper and the dumpee here.
DUMPER: It is not a decision you made lightly and it was literally a nuclear bomb to your world. It’s human nature to avoid pain at all cost, so if you were willing to do this to yourselves, to cut out your own heart, then you have to trust in yourself that you did it for the right reason. Because it hurts so damn much you’re going to question it. How the hell could something that tears you up day and night, filling yourself with such pain and anguish and knee bending doubt, have been the right decision? It’s the right decision because it was something you were thinking about for a long time. It’s something that made your stomach hurt and tore you up inside way before you ever even mentioned it or gave a hint of it to your significant other. Trust your instincts and keep marching, and half the time crawling, through the fire till you get to the other side.
DUMPEE: You feel rejected…like something must be wrong with you. There isn’t. Sometimes two people just don’t fit together well enough to make it last, and a lot of times it’s not the things you see on the outside or can put down on paper that makes you seem like the perfect couple…it’s deeper parts that just clash with something deeply ingrained in your ex partner’s most basic needs. If you think about it, there are probably parts of you that weren’t fully happy, that weren’t getting exactly what you needed. That’s why so often a few years down the road you hear things like “Breaking up was the best thing we could have done.”
EVERYONE: There’s a quote I want to share with you by Thomas Merton, “The biggest human temptation is…to settle for too little.” Do any of us really want to be with someone that isn’t 100% right for us/ and or wants us? I’m not talking about people without flaws; EVERYONE has flaws that we are going to have to learn to tolerate and or find endearing. I’m talking about looking in your heart and just knowing that “this isn’t it.” That you could be happier. Don’t we all deserve that? What’s better, being alone or having someone and feeling lonely, feeling cheated, feeling…settled. YOU deserve to be with someone that not only thinks the world of you, but you are his or her world. You deserve to be as happy as possible. We get sad because we miss having someone to cuddle, kiss, talk to at the end of the day…but we can’t settle for a warm body and an ear…we can’t sell ourselves short. As far as we know we get to live this life ONCE…so find the person that you want/need/ have to live it with. No Exceptions.
Dear Boy,
You should be hungover more often – you write really well in that state and I’ve got to say that your anger and sadness has never resonated with me more. Okay, fine, perhaps it’s more important to be happy. Either way, I can’t avoid responding to the advice that was closest to home for me before responding to your question.
“It is not a decision you made lightly and it was literally a nuclear bomb to your world. It’s human nature to avoid pain at all cost, so if you were willing to do this to yourselves, to cut out your own heart, then you have to trust in yourself that you did it for the right reason.”
The right reasons. I’ve heard this so many times, and it starts to sound like a rerun of the Bachelor when people say it to you, but for whatever reason seeing it on paper (or a computer screen) in the way you wrote it, made it seem so much more truthful. Over the past week I’ve felt so empowered by this and I’m all of the sudden being honest with myself about the reasons we broke up (see bottom for end of this post re: missing non-negotiables), which entirely validates my decision. That feels good.
“Sometimes two people just don’t fit together well enough to make it last, and a lot of times it’s not the things you see on the outside or can put down on paper that makes you seem like the perfect couple…it’s deeper parts that just clash with something deeply ingrained in your ex partner’s most basic needs. If you think about it, there are probably parts of you that weren’t fully happy, that weren’t getting exactly what you needed.”
You just described my situation (and I wonder how many others) so well that it’s scary. I know everyone was beyond shocked when we ended what we had, because we did a damn good job of making it all LOOK OKAY. And we were not only dishonest with others, but dishonest with ourselves about it. These basic needs that you mention (again, noted in my non-negotiables below) clashing with what’s ingrained in you may not seem important until you truly evaluate them and then you realize that without these needs fulfilled, you’re not who you want to be. I hope so much for my ex-partner to someday believe in your last sentence, but fear it may take quite some time for him to come to that realization.
“Do any of us really want to be with someone that isn’t 100% right for us/ and or wants us? I’m not talking about people without flaws; EVERYONE has flaws that we are going to have to learn to tolerate and or find endearing. I’m talking about looking in your heart and just knowing that “this isn’t it.” That you could be happier. Don’t we all deserve that?”
I’ve got to say that this is THE REASON why I continue to question my breakup. Until I find someone else, I’ll go on wondering whether I could have made things work if I would have just accepted some so-called flaws of his and that if I can’t get over the kinds of flaws someone has after investing five years, I’m destined to be alone for a lifetime. I think for a future blog post, we should interview couples that work. Let’s ask them questions about what it is that allows them to get over these “flaws” and maybe it will give us more hope.
This is actually a great lead in to your question about characteristics. While there are a million characteristics I'm looking for in someone (and millions more I'm not), I've listed my non-negotiables below. I highly recommend writing these down to anyone who's gone through a breakup. It's extremely empowering, especially when you realize that you may find someone who exhibits all of these traits. Perhaps someone can either comment here and help me justify this list or maybe they’ll help shake the ridiculous expectations that I’ve now set for “the one” (and by the way, my ex had many of these qualities, which is why I find them to be so important, but lacked in areas that I simply could not get over):
Chemistry: As you note in your recent post, I want to be with someone who is obsessed with me and visa versa. No exceptions. This sounds like the most selfish basic need in the world, but I need it. My last relationship didn’t have it (more to come on why I let this go so long later) and it was the end of us.
Intelligence: This has always been a quality I seek out both in friends and in relationships and I’ve actually never dated anyone who’s not. I absolutely HAVE to be able to have intellectual conversations and regularly be challenged in my thinking.
Motivation: I’ve dated men before who love me very much but have little to no direction for themselves. While there should likely be some balance between my over-achiever, overly self-critical self and someone who brings me back down to earth, I also need someone with direction.
Selflessness: Because respect is a given (I won’t even speak to disrespectful people, let alone date them), I decided to go one step up here. I’ve never met anyone more selfless than my most recent ex and there are few qualities as attractive as this. Doing great things for other people (especially those in need) with little to no personal benefit and just for the greater good is VERY sexy.
Faithfulness: To my knowledge, no one I’ve dated has ever betrayed me physically. As I understand it, my parents have always been faithful with one another. Somehow, however, this is one of my biggest fears (likely the result of hearing too much about high profile people cheating on one another). And I tend to associate people who choose not to be faithful with people who are generally very confident.
Confidence: This is the characteristic I am most hesitant to admit I need in a partner, but likely the one I’ve been missing for quite some time. Not only do I associate this trait with cheating for whatever reason, but I was also a very nerdy teenage girl and was made fun of quite a bit by egotistical teenage boys. Ever since, I’ve had a fear of overly confident men, even though the really self-conscious ones have likely been just as toxic for me.
Fun: Notice I didn’t say funny. The person doesn’t need to be a comedian (or even funnier than me – which wouldn’t be very difficult), but I didn’t laugh nearly enough in my last relationship. We have to be on the same page about what is fun and we need to take life less seriously together.
Interest in my family: Do I expect a perfect in-law relationship? Absolutely not. And honestly, I have a pretty darn good track record of dealing with past partners’ family issues very well. All I’m asking for is that in return. I need to know that no matter how annoying or demanding or embarrassing my family is that my significant other will continue to rise above it, enjoy them for their best qualities (even when I can’t), and make an effort to spend time with them because it’s important to me.
Team player: Despite our differences in opinion and our disagreements over all things large and small, I need to know that my partner and I can compromise for the betterment of our relationship and that we can stand strong as a team. This relates back to a couple of the qualities noted above, namely faithfulness. If this person is “it” we will play on the same team even in the most difficult matches against family and friends.
Communicator: If I had to prioritize, this would probably be number one – mostly because if someone can do this, then it’s likely any of the above can be made possible. My problem? I haven’t been such a great model of this quality myself.
So, what do you think? Should I negotiate on any of the above? Also, I’d love to hear from you on your non-negotiables.
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