I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with your non-negotiables. Why should you, or anyone, settle for less than you want. I don’t think you asked for one thing that was unreasonable…to me is sounds like you found the formula of what you need and your partner must have to create a sustaining and loving relationship…not a perfect one, there’s never a perfect one (FUCK YOU DISNEY MOVIES FOR MAKING ME THINK THEIR WAS!) but one that can be filled with love and more importantly last! So here are my Non-Negotiables:
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Yes, I’m a guy and this probably makes me a dick for saying this one first but lets ALL be honest…what is the first thing we notice about someone? What is the FIRST thing we are drawn to…it’s their body. Yes, later down the road we can love each other for what’s on our insides…but till then I want to make sure this person is someone who I want to physically GET IT ON WITH! And I want the same from my partner…we all want to feel wanted and sexy…I want her to want me just as much!
WITTY BANTER: For me, there are few things I love more than witty, maybe even sometimes snarky, witty banter back and forth and where we play with one another and have fun with eachother.
HUMOR: Humor sort of goes with witty banter, but as my counterpart said…I don’t need her to be a comedian (Man, Tina Fey is hot) but I need her to find things FUNNY especially ME! I need a girl who can laugh, and who’s laugh I miss and strive for and looooove the sound of. I do not want a girl that just says “That’s funny.”
INTELLECT: I want someone that I can hold an intelligent conversation with. I talk…A LOT…and I need someone that can jump around with me from Religion, to politics, to the historical inaccuracies found in the Flinstones.
SUPPORTIVE: Life is hard. The career I’m trying to break into is hard. I need someone who will support me, stand by me, and encourage me. I need a pillar that I can lean on when things are bad…just as I want to be a pillar for them.
ACTIVE/HEALTHY: I want the person I’m with to take care of themselves. This isn’t as vein as it sounds. If this is the person I love…that I want to spend the REST of my life with…well I want to make sure it’s a long long time before we are ever separated (and then reunited in our sexy love bungalo in heaven, and if it’s a rock’n…) I take care of myself, and I want her to take care of herself (SMOKERS need not apply)
RESPONSIBLE: I want a family, and I can’t have one with someone who isn’t responsible in every definition of the word.
TRUST: I MUST be able to trust my partner. As soon as that trust is broken…the relationship is broken.
NEED/WANT: I want to need and want my partner and I want them to feel the same way about me.
WANTS KIDS: Nuff said.
I feel like in the non-negotiables I want to list not only what MUST be there, but what MUST NOT be there…the following are what I’m non-negotiable about as far as things I will not tolerate…
DRAMA: If your world is ending every other day, we probably aren’t going to work out. I grew up in a house of high drama and I can’t stand it. Life has enough drama as it is, it doesn’t need an extra layer thrown on top because we are out of bacon and you really wanted that BLT.
EXCESSIVE COMPLAINING: Having a significant other means you always have someone to bitch too! But don’t take advantage! IF the same topic is coming up over and over again…then do something to change it, or get over it…I can’t stand people who ramble on and on about a problem but don’t do anything to fix it.
LAZINESS: I can’t respect someone who sits around all day. Taking a day off is fine, doing nothing all the time, is not.
Okay, so those are my non-negotiables. Now, just because it’s something that’s been really, really eating at me and I need to get it off my chest I’m going to change topics a bit…I guess lead into our next as I need advice from you one it. I’m having a really REALLY hard time thinking about her being with some other guy physically. I feel like it’ll be a while before she finds someone she loves/loved as much as me…but hooking up with another guy…well that honestly has probably already happened. I wrote this just trying to ease my mind…
“This time apart, be it permanent or just a phase, it’s OKAY. Let her go out there and date and be with other guys and lets see if she finds someone she loves as much, likes as much, and is as good to her…and hey she very well MIGHT…and that’s OKAY! YOU need to let yourself go out there and date and be with OTHER GIRLS and see if you find someone you love as much, like as much, and makes you as happy or happier! REMEMBER you left because you weren’t happy…you’re lonely right now so you are remembering things being a lot better than they were and making all the problems seem miniscule, but they lead you to making the HARDEST decision of your life so far…Stop worrying about what she’s doing and who she’s with…she’s probably worrying about the same things with you, but she’s getting out there…now it’s your turn…life is short, take it off of pause and live it. Go on dates, kiss strangers, hell, even sleep with a few because you need to, that’s your current prescription. 3 Dates: 4 Make outs and 1 one nightstand and call me in the morning. You’ll feel better when you break that last chain that’s holding you to her…which is this physical/emotional loyalty in the arena of intimacy…you’re free now…get it on!”
I haven’t really done anything with anyone since our break up. I haven’t been ready, even though all my guy friends have the same advice “Go and hook up with another girl and you’ll feel better.” I wonder if they’re right. What do YOU think?
Till Next time, Girl,
BOY
And here's why you're hearing from both genders, ladies and gentleman...the sex advice you just read about, well it's clearly necessary for that guy to guy, man-hugging, bro love language no one ever taught us. That said, I'm a very sexual person. I'm not your typical prude-ish fearful of sex female. Like most men, I'm not afraid to admit that I honestly believe sex is a human need. Also like most men, I find that I'm a lot more frustrated, stressed out and up tight without sex in my life (hence, the past few months of bitter, impatient, intolerable me...sorry, family, friends and colleagues).
Fortunately, however, like most intelligent women, I am not in a position (no pun intended) to sleep with just anyone. And I need to be sure that I'm ready for the consequences. Here are some consequences I faced the last time I was dealing with a broken heart and decided that sex with whomever was a good solution:
- Regret
- Embarrassment
- Incredibly low self-worth
- A temporary band-aid with no long term benefits
- The need to settle for any relationship afterward - anything that's not just sex
- A lack of understanding for what was really attracting men to me
- An inability to honestly reflect on my unsuccessful relationship
And here I am now, still single. Not enough to sway you, you say? Well, I haven't necessarily convinced myself either. In fact, I really can't help but see sex wherever I go, and as I'm watching old episodes of the show Friday Night Lights, I literally groan whenever Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins) appears on the screen.
The difference between this time and last? Well, it's been several months and I've remained celibate. That's a good test for me - you should find your test and see how you fair. Of course, Taylor could knock on my door, never say a word, and have me in any way he sees fit. But I can assure you that this is progress.
Bottom line: I've been through several serious relationships and I'm terrified of putting myself out there again. Of course, I'm afraid of the obvious: rejection because he's not into me or has a girlfriend or whatever. So, boy, what advice can you offer me in terms of attracting the opposite sex? I promise I'll tell you what works with the ladies in my next post.
-Girl
