Let's Get Physical

Dear Girl,

I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with your non-negotiables. Why should you, or anyone, settle for less than you want. I don’t think you asked for one thing that was unreasonable…to me is sounds like you found the formula of what you need and your partner must have to create a sustaining and loving relationship…not a perfect one, there’s never a perfect one (FUCK YOU DISNEY MOVIES FOR MAKING ME THINK THEIR WAS!) but one that can be filled with love and more importantly last! So here are my Non-Negotiables:

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Yes, I’m a guy and this probably makes me a dick for saying this one first but lets ALL be honest…what is the first thing we notice about someone?  What is the FIRST thing we are drawn to…it’s their body.  Yes, later down the road we can love each other for what’s on our insides…but till then I want to make sure this person is someone who I want to physically GET IT ON WITH!  And I want the same from my partner…we all want to feel wanted and sexy…I want her to want me just as much!

WITTY BANTER: For me, there are few things I love more than witty, maybe even sometimes snarky, witty banter back and forth and where we play with one another and have fun with eachother.

HUMOR: Humor sort of goes with witty banter, but as my counterpart said…I don’t need her to be a comedian (Man, Tina Fey is hot) but I need her to find things FUNNY especially ME!  I need a girl who can laugh, and who’s laugh I miss and strive for and looooove the sound of.  I do not want a girl that just says “That’s funny.”

INTELLECT: I want someone that I can hold an intelligent conversation with.  I talk…A LOT…and I need someone that can jump around with me from Religion, to politics, to the historical inaccuracies found in the Flinstones.

SUPPORTIVE: Life is hard.  The career I’m trying to break into is hard.  I need someone who will support me, stand by me, and encourage me.  I need a pillar that I can lean on when things are bad…just as I want to be a pillar for them.

ACTIVE/HEALTHY: I want the person I’m with to take care of themselves.  This isn’t as vein as it sounds.  If this is the person I love…that I want to spend the REST of my life with…well I want to make sure it’s a long long time before we are ever separated (and then reunited in our sexy love bungalo in heaven, and if it’s a rock’n…) I take care of myself, and I want her to take care of herself (SMOKERS need not apply)

RESPONSIBLE: I want a family, and I can’t have one with someone who isn’t responsible in every definition of the word.

TRUST: I MUST be able to trust my partner.  As soon as that trust is broken…the relationship is broken.  

NEED/WANT: I want to need and want my partner and I want them to feel the same way about me.

WANTS KIDS: Nuff said.

I feel like in the non-negotiables I want to list not only what MUST be there, but what MUST NOT be there…the following are what I’m non-negotiable about as far as things I will not tolerate…

DRAMA: If your world is ending every other day, we probably aren’t going to work out.  I grew up in a house of high drama and I can’t stand it.  Life has enough drama as it is, it doesn’t need an extra layer thrown on top because we are out of bacon and you really wanted that BLT.

EXCESSIVE COMPLAINING: Having a significant other means you always have someone to bitch too!  But don’t take advantage!  IF the same topic is coming up over and over again…then do something to change it, or get over it…I can’t stand people who ramble on and on about a problem but don’t do anything to fix it. 

LAZINESS: I can’t respect someone who sits around all day.  Taking a day off is fine, doing nothing all the time, is not. 

Okay, so those are my non-negotiables.  Now, just because it’s something that’s been really, really eating at me and I need to get it off my chest I’m going to change topics a bit…I guess lead into our next as I need advice from you one it.   I’m having a really REALLY hard time thinking about her being with some other guy physically.  I feel like it’ll be a while before she finds someone she loves/loved as much as me…but hooking up with another guy…well that honestly has probably already happened. I wrote this just trying to ease my mind…

“This time apart, be it permanent or just a phase, it’s OKAY.  Let her go out there and date and be with other guys and lets see if she finds someone she loves as much, likes as much, and is as good to her…and hey she very well MIGHT…and that’s OKAY!  YOU need to let yourself go out there and date and be with OTHER GIRLS and see if you find someone you love as much, like as much, and makes you as happy or happier! REMEMBER you left because you weren’t happy…you’re lonely right now so you are remembering things being a lot better than they were and making all the problems seem miniscule, but they lead you to making the HARDEST decision of your life so far…Stop worrying about what she’s doing and who she’s with…she’s probably worrying about the same things with you, but she’s getting out there…now it’s your turn…life is short, take it off of pause and live it.  Go on dates, kiss strangers, hell, even sleep with a few because you need to, that’s your current prescription.  3 Dates:  4 Make outs and 1 one nightstand and call me in the morning. You’ll feel better when you break that last chain that’s holding you to her…which is this physical/emotional loyalty in the arena of intimacy…you’re free now…get it on!”

I haven’t really done anything with anyone since our break up. I haven’t been ready, even though all my guy friends have the same advice “Go and hook up with another girl and you’ll feel better.”  I wonder if they’re right. What do YOU think?

Till Next time, Girl,

BOY

And here's why you're hearing from both genders, ladies and gentleman...the sex advice you just read about, well it's clearly necessary for that guy to guy, man-hugging, bro love language no one ever taught us. That said, I'm a very sexual person. I'm not your typical prude-ish fearful of sex female. Like most men, I'm not afraid to admit that I honestly believe sex is a human need. Also like most men, I find that I'm a lot more frustrated, stressed out and up tight without sex in my life (hence, the past few months of bitter, impatient, intolerable me...sorry, family, friends and colleagues).

Fortunately, however, like most intelligent women, I am not in a position (no pun intended) to sleep with just anyone. And I need to be sure that I'm ready for the consequences. Here are some consequences I faced the last time I was dealing with a broken heart and decided that sex with whomever was a good solution:

• Regret 
• Embarrassment
• Incredibly low self-worth
• A temporary band-aid with no long term benefits
• The need to settle for any relationship afterward - anything that's not just sex
• A lack of understanding for what was really attracting men to me
• An inability to honestly reflect on my unsuccessful relationship

And here I am now, still single. Not enough to sway you, you say? Well, I haven't necessarily convinced myself either. In fact, I really can't help but see sex wherever I go, and as I'm watching old episodes of the show Friday Night Lights, I literally groan whenever Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins) appears on the screen.

The difference between this time and last? Well, it's been several months and I've remained celibate. That's a good test for me - you should find your test and see how you fair. Of course, Taylor could knock on my door, never say a word, and have me in any way he sees fit. But I can assure you that this is progress. 

Bottom line: I've been through several serious relationships and I'm terrified of putting myself out there again. Of course, I'm afraid of the obvious: rejection because he's not into me or has a girlfriend or whatever. So, boy, what advice can you offer me in terms of attracting the opposite sex? I promise I'll tell you what works with the ladies in my next post.

-Girl

The Right Reasons for What Went Wrong

Dear Girl,

       Alcohol is bad.  It seems good at the time of consumption, but it’s the next day and all It’s doing for me today is making me slightly nauseous, anxious, and really sad.  The “fuck it all” attitude it gave me on round three is gone and now it’s the next day and I’m back to battling with myself…I could crawl into my bed and try to sleep the pain away, but who are we kidding it’ll be there when I wake up.  Best I can do is write some of it out to lessen the anchor inside my chest that is my heart.  I feel like now is a good time to address the question of,  “How do you move on and remain confident in your decision if there’s no guarantee you’ll find anything better?” in the hopes that I can convince myself of that exact thing…

            Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee the relationship ended for a reason.  Something wasn’t right.  One or both of you wasn’t happy or fulfilled to a point where you felt like you had to end it.  I’m going to give a few words for both the dumper and the dumpee here.

DUMPER:  It is not a decision you made lightly and it was literally a nuclear bomb to your world.  It’s human nature to avoid pain at all cost, so if you were willing to do this to yourselves, to cut out your own heart, then you have to trust in yourself that you did it for the right reason.  Because it hurts so damn much you’re going to question it.  How the hell could something that tears you up day and night, filling yourself with such pain and anguish and knee bending doubt, have been the right decision?  It’s the right decision because it was something you were thinking about for a long time.  It’s something that made your stomach hurt and tore you up inside way before you ever even mentioned it or gave a hint of it to your significant other.  Trust your instincts and keep marching, and half the time crawling, through the fire till you get to the other side.

DUMPEE: You feel rejected…like something must be wrong with you.  There isn’t.  Sometimes two people just don’t fit together well enough to make it last, and a lot of times it’s not the things you see on the outside or can put down on paper that makes you seem like the perfect couple…it’s deeper parts that just clash with something deeply ingrained in your ex partner’s most basic needs.  If you think about it, there are probably parts of you that weren’t fully happy, that weren’t getting exactly what you needed.  That’s why so often a few years down the road you hear things like “Breaking up was the best thing we could have done.”

EVERYONE: There’s a quote I want to share with you by Thomas Merton, “The biggest human temptation is…to settle for too little.”  Do any of us really want to be with someone that isn’t 100% right for us/ and or wants us?  I’m not talking about people without flaws; EVERYONE has flaws that we are going to have to learn to tolerate and or find endearing.  I’m talking about looking in your heart and just knowing that “this isn’t it.”  That you could be happier.  Don’t we all deserve that?  What’s better, being alone or having someone and feeling lonely, feeling cheated, feeling…settled.  YOU deserve to be with someone that not only thinks the world of you, but you are his or her world.  You deserve to be as happy as possible.  We get sad because we miss having someone to cuddle, kiss, talk to at the end of the day…but we can’t settle for a warm body and an ear…we can’t sell ourselves short. As far as we know we get to live this life ONCE…so find the person that you want/need/ have to live it with. No Exceptions. 

Dear Boy,

You should be hungover more often – you write really well in that state and I’ve got to say that your anger and sadness has never resonated with me more. Okay, fine, perhaps it’s more important to be happy. Either way, I can’t avoid responding to the advice that was closest to home for me before responding to your question.

“It is not a decision you made lightly and it was literally a nuclear bomb to your world.  It’s human nature to avoid pain at all cost, so if you were willing to do this to yourselves, to cut out your own heart, then you have to trust in yourself that you did it for the right reason.”

The right reasons. I’ve heard this so many times, and it starts to sound like a rerun of the Bachelor when people say it to you, but for whatever reason seeing it on paper (or a computer screen) in the way you wrote it, made it seem so much more truthful. Over the past week I’ve felt so empowered by this and I’m all of the sudden being honest with myself about the reasons we broke up (see bottom for end of this post re: missing non-negotiables), which entirely validates my decision. That feels good.

“Sometimes two people just don’t fit together well enough to make it last, and a lot of times it’s not the things you see on the outside or can put down on paper that makes you seem like the perfect couple…it’s deeper parts that just clash with something deeply ingrained in your ex partner’s most basic needs.  If you think about it, there are probably parts of you that weren’t fully happy, that weren’t getting exactly what you needed.”

You just described my situation (and I wonder how many others) so well that it’s scary. I know everyone was beyond shocked when we ended what we had, because we did a damn good job of making it all LOOK OKAY. And we were not only dishonest with others, but dishonest with ourselves about it. These basic needs that you mention (again, noted in my non-negotiables below) clashing with what’s ingrained in you may not seem important until you truly evaluate them and then you realize that without these needs fulfilled, you’re not who you want to be. I hope so much for my ex-partner to someday believe in your last sentence, but fear it may take quite some time for him to come to that realization.

“Do any of us really want to be with someone that isn’t 100% right for us/ and or wants us?  I’m not talking about people without flaws; EVERYONE has flaws that we are going to have to learn to tolerate and or find endearing.  I’m talking about looking in your heart and just knowing that “this isn’t it.”  That you could be happier.  Don’t we all deserve that?”

I’ve got to say that this is THE REASON why I continue to question my breakup. Until I find someone else, I’ll go on wondering whether I could have made things work if I would have just accepted some so-called flaws of his and that if I can’t get over the kinds of flaws someone has after investing five years, I’m destined to be alone for a lifetime. I think for a future blog post, we should interview couples that work. Let’s ask them questions about what it is that allows them to get over these “flaws” and maybe it will give us more hope.

This is actually a great lead in to your question about characteristics. While there are a million characteristics I'm looking for in someone (and millions more I'm not), I've listed my non-negotiables below. I highly recommend writing these down to anyone who's gone through a breakup. It's extremely empowering, especially when you realize that you may find someone who exhibits all of these traits. Perhaps someone can either comment here and help me justify this list or maybe they’ll help shake the ridiculous expectations that I’ve now set for “the one” (and by the way, my ex had many of these qualities, which is why I find them to be so important, but lacked in areas that I simply could not get over):

Chemistry: As you note in your recent post, I want to be with someone who is obsessed with me and visa versa. No exceptions. This sounds like the most selfish basic need in the world, but I need it. My last relationship didn’t have it (more to come on why I let this go so long later) and it was the end of us.

Intelligence: This has always been a quality I seek out both in friends and in relationships and I’ve actually never dated anyone who’s not. I absolutely HAVE to be able to have intellectual conversations and regularly be challenged in my thinking.

Motivation: I’ve dated men before who love me very much but have little to no direction for themselves. While there should likely be some balance between my over-achiever, overly self-critical self and someone who brings me back down to earth, I also need someone with direction.

Selflessness: Because respect is a given (I won’t even speak to disrespectful people, let alone date them), I decided to go one step up here. I’ve never met anyone more selfless than my most recent ex and there are few qualities as attractive as this. Doing great things for other people (especially those in need) with little to no personal benefit and just for the greater good is VERY sexy.

Faithfulness: To my knowledge, no one I’ve dated has ever betrayed me physically. As I understand it, my parents have always been faithful with one another. Somehow, however, this is one of my biggest fears (likely the result of hearing too much about high profile people cheating on one another). And I tend to associate people who choose not to be faithful with people who are generally very confident.

Confidence: This is the characteristic I am most hesitant to admit I need in a partner, but likely the one I’ve been missing for quite some time. Not only do I associate this trait with cheating for whatever reason, but I was also a very nerdy teenage girl and was made fun of quite a bit by egotistical teenage boys. Ever since, I’ve had a fear of overly confident men, even though the really self-conscious ones have likely been just as toxic for me.

Fun: Notice I didn’t say funny. The person doesn’t need to be a comedian (or even funnier than me – which wouldn’t be very difficult), but I didn’t laugh nearly enough in my last relationship.  We have to be on the same page about what is fun and we need to take life less seriously together.

Interest in my family: Do I expect a perfect in-law relationship? Absolutely not. And honestly, I have a pretty darn good track record of dealing with past partners’ family issues very well. All I’m asking for is that in return. I need to know that no matter how annoying or demanding or embarrassing my family is that my significant other will continue to rise above it, enjoy them for their best qualities (even when I can’t), and make an effort to spend time with them because it’s important to me.

Team player: Despite our differences in opinion and our disagreements over all things large and small, I need to know that my partner and I can compromise for the betterment of our relationship and that we can stand strong as a team. This relates back to a couple of the qualities noted above, namely faithfulness. If this person is “it” we will play on the same team even in the most difficult matches against family and friends.

Communicator: If I had to prioritize, this would probably be number one – mostly because if someone can do this, then it’s likely any of the above can be made possible. My problem? I haven’t been such a great model of this quality myself.

So, what do you think? Should I negotiate on any of the above? Also, I’d love to hear from you on your non-negotiables.

Survival Tips

Dear Satan…ehem, I mean Boy,

Really appreciate your honesty in the post about your feelings. Oops, the most dreaded f-word in the man-book. Seriously, though, I don’t know many men who can attest to having been this open. Bravo. Yes, that’s bitterness you’re reading between those lines.

Anyway, to your question: What should one do to help them survive that first month of the break up?

I hope this isn’t cheating, but could I possibly rephrase the question? I’m asking because one of the promises we’ve made to our audience here is that we aren’t going to talk in “breakup phases”. You may hear this from me a lot, but I find it completely counterintuitive to buy into the idea that a broken heart follows regimented, sequential steps until just one day…POOF, you’re healed! Give me a break. There are way to many different people in this world to make any one situation- let alone any relationship-exactly the same and therefore DON’T LABEL US THE SAME.

Ok, off my soapbox. I’m just rephrasing the question to omit the term “in that first month of the break up” because I think that there are just things you have to do, plain and simple, when you end a relationship. When you do them? Well, that’s not for me to dictate. You can only do it on your own time. Should you try to do them sooner rather than later? Probably, but again: no formula.

Here’s what I suggest (in no particular order):

1. Get rid of everything you can that reminds you of them: Okay, as much as you can stand. If you're unable to part with something because of its value (either emotionally or monetarily), then don't. But limit yourself to not very many of these, like unnecessary t-shirts and souvenirs. Once you've purged...

2. Say yes to everything social: No matter how horrible you're feeling, it's pretty much always a good idea to force yourself to rejoin society. So, don't discriminate. Set a policy for yourself that if you're invited to something, you'll go. If it's that bad, you can always leave. If things go well, though, maybe you'll...

3. Kiss someone else: Notice I've very intentionally said to kiss someone else. Hold your horses on the other stuff for as long as you can. Trust me - it's a band-aid that will hurt really, really hard when you pull it off. As for the kiss, it feels damn good. No reason to feel guilty. You're NOT cheating. You're simply human and need to feel wanted. Beware of high hopes, however. There are a lot of REALLY BAD kissers out there and the confidence after the kiss doesn't stick around very long. If you're looking to cuddle...

4. Cuddle with your pet (or get one to cuddle with): If you don't like pets, I can't help you there. I've got a dog and she heals my heart every single day just by looking up at me with her "I need you mommy" face. I like feeling needed. Probably the number one form of therapy I could recommend.  Just one of the many ways, however, to... 

5. Distract your mind: The more activities you can find to distract yourself, the better, but if you can find something about yourself that you used to really enjoy before you started dating this person but was for whatever reason NOT appreciated or prioritized in your relationship (maybe it's a different haircut - for me, it's listening to music that makes me feel great). Why? Because it's who you are and you should be you, whether you're in a relationship or not. As a test for myself to see if I'm really distracted or just pretending to be, I always think it's a good idea to...

6. Pick something you used to be able to focus on before the breakup and that now is impossible to focus on because of your breakup. Here's mine: 

I’m a nerd and listen to a lot of public radio. Actually, I don’t always listen. In fact, that’s how I’ve been able to train myself (on some days at least) to focus on something other than my failed relationship. 


So, I turn on the radio and do my very best to listen to a news story all the way through. This never used to be a problem for me, by the way (I’m not ADD and the stories are generally very interesting to me). But now it’s difficult because all I can think about is what went wrong with my love life and whether or not I made the right decision.  


If I can make it through an entire story…and better yet, if I can make it through, enjoy and learn something from a news story on the radio, I know that I’ve made progress.

Do I sometimes fail my own test the day after I passed it? Yes, but it’s still important for me to remember that there’s more to life than my breakup. A wake up call for digging yourself out of what can easily become a very, very selfish and sad existence.

And I like the challenge. So what’s your test?

Here’s the thing that really gets me, though. It truly is possible that I’ll never find the kind of love that I’m so sure is out there? Because if that’s a possibility, then what am I doing all of this self-healing for?

I mean, even as I’m typing this I don’t really believe that I’ll be alone forever – but it’s possible isn’t it? I’ve come this far and not found it, haven’t I? Who’s to say that it exists at all? As Ben Folds says, maybe “Love just leaves you bruised.” (That’s my question for you, by the way…how do you move on and remain confident in your decision if there’s no guarantee you’ll find anything better?)

Dear Girl,

Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with the whole “Will I be alone forever,” thing…I’ll be addressing that in my next post!  Besides, push comes to shove you come and live with me and my wife and kids in our Villa…or you come live with me in my one bedroom apartment where we have only canned food and no can opener and you are forced to bath me with moist towelets from KFC as I write poems about loneliness in water colors moistened with my tears…EITHER WAY you won’t be alone!

            
Back to the topic at hand though…I agree that the healing process is not a one month venture…I’m on month 7^th and I still have some really shitty days, but I’m still going to address some of what I think are the best things to do in the early days of the break up…

1.    LET YOURSELF MOURN: It’s not a new idea, but yes a break up is a lot like the death of a loved one.  You and your significant other became a single entity, you were no longer just Bob and Jan, when people talked about you they said (in one quick cookie monster esq garble) BOBNJAN.   You built a world together, and that world is gone now.  The person that you were when you were with them is gone.  Your significant other is gone.  BOBNJAN is dead…and it hurts deeply.  Let yourself feel that hurt in the beginning, if you need to spend a few days curled up crying then do it.  You’re hurting enough as it is, don’t go against the current, let it carry you for a while.  I was bad about this and it’s why I’m still feeling so shitty today.  I put off feeling the loss for months and now I’m still reeling as it seeps in more and more day by day painting my new reality.

2.    BE NICE TO YOURSELF: Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee you are going to feel like shit. You are going to tear yourself apart in the way only you can.  It’s going to be hard, but try to be nice to yourself.  Allow yourself to eat that extra piece of cake, sleep that extra hour, dance, go shopping, waste hours on Café World or watching Office reruns.  Do the things that make you feel good.

 
3.    DON’T BE ALONE:  Yes, in the first couple of days if you want to be alone…okay, but I highly recommend getting your friends involved ASAP.  You went from 2 to 1 and it’s going to leave you feeling extremely lonely…you aren’t.  You have friends, you have family, and this is the time where they really earn their titles.  Call on them, let them be there for you. Try to have something planned daily with someone. 


4.    WRITE:  You have too much inside you, too many emotions, let them out. Open your Microsoft word and just write.  Free flowing the way Freud would have wanted it…just say whatever you want…the things you want to say to your ex, the things you want to say to yourself…pour it out and I promise you you’ll feel lighter when it’s done. 


5.    LIMIT COMMUNICATION: The person you are going to want to talk to most about your break up and your feelings is…YOUR EX…don’t.  Depending on the situation some breaks are “cleaner” than others.  If you have your own apartments then it’s going to be much easier.  If you share an apartment, bank account, have pets, or kids…well things are going to be harder.  Based on what ties you have to one another you may need to communicate to deal with issues like bills, little Jimmy’s cold, and Rover’s neutering,  but for the most part if you can avoid calling, emailing, texting, facebook stalking, etc you’ll be MUCH better off.  It’s like coming off of a drug and the first week or two is the hardest but get through that hump and you’ll be much better.

6.    EXERCISE:  Working out will release proper endorphins to make you feel better…PLUS if you’re the dumpee what’s better revenge than a hot bod…and if you’re the dumper you’ve got to get back out onto the hunting grounds and need to look good…work them sexy peacock feathers.

7.    KEEP BREATHING:  Keep breathing, keep moving, keep living, because as dark and thick as this forest is I promise you you’ll find your way out of it.

Till next time.  You are never alone.

Sincerely,

Boy

Heartbreakers Unite

February. The month of love. So suitable for our very first post. 

Dear Boy,

First, a word of appreciation to you. Thank you for agreeing (or being peer pressured enough) to write this blog with me. I am excited about our upcoming adventures here and am grateful that you are willing to take your questions, thoughts and advice public. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure you’ll get many more readers interested in what you’re saying than I will. Dumped boys don’t tend to go looking online for solace. Or do they? Anyway, here goes…

Whoever said that breakups were any easier for the dumper than for the dumpee? It’s just plain unfair.

For one thing, the dumpee is never completely without fault. It takes two, baby, and I’m not sure most folks recognize just how hard it is to end a serious relationship. How many people actually go through life because they’re more scared of being single than of spending the rest of their lives with significant others who no longer make them happy? I mean, I almost lived the latter and now I can think of nothing scarier than this eternal sense of unfulfillment.

Here’s how it feels to be a female dumper (or, in an effort to generalize a bit less, a female dumper like me):

Lonely. Even for those who see me as the “courageous” girl that was strong enough to end things before they got worse, there is this false belief – to which I’m sure I contribute – that I’m doing okay. I’m not. I still want my friends and my family to call and check on me. I still need for people to listen when I’m feeling down. I also feel lonely because so many women are dumpees and don’t understand how or why I did the dumping.

Guilty. I’m now known as a heartbreaker, and may I remind you that the dictionary picture embodying this term is a hunky, masculine guy. Instead, my maternal instincts are more heightened than ever and I feel like it’s my job to make him feel better about how I’ve “wronged” him. So, I apologize even when you know it’s not necessary and I am his shoulder to cry on, even though there could be no worse person for him to share these feelings with than me.

Angry. Because I feel guilty, I get angry that he doesn’t. He’s allowed to call. He’s allowed to text that he misses me and invite me out without feeling bad about it. This seems unfair because I’m being considerate of his feelings by restraining myself from responding emotionally even though I miss him too. And that’s my job because I’m the dumper. But isn’t self-control somewhere inside of all of us?

So, here’s my question for you: what does it feel like being the male dumper? Do you share any or all of these sentiments?

Your thoughts are much appreciated,

Girl

My wallet can’t help but be partially thankful for being single this month where love is usually converted into dollar signs.

Dear Girl,

           

            Let me start off by THANKING YOU for starting this blog.  Though part of me wonders if it’s so you don’t get so many lengthy text and late night phone calls from me.  To answer your question, I think a good number of boys/men do go online looking for solace after a break up.  I know I googled “How to deal with a break up,” literally hours after I pulled the trigger.  There weren’t, however, many guy responses.  Not surprising as most of my gender sees expression as weakness…which is why we turn to the internet as a safe place to find answers we are too afraid to ask our friends.

            There is nothing easy about being the dumper, no matter what your gender, if you have a heart.  Granted there are exceptions for abusive relationships, but for the most part if you are breaking up with someone that you cared enough for to label them as your ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ and let the world know they are the ones you chose…then letting them go and taking away that title and sense of belonging is going to kill you.

            I know most guys are seen as assholes and dicks, which we are quickly labeled as, when we break up with someone, but that’s not fair.  I didn’t break up with my ex because I wanted to sleep with someone else, or because she gained weight, or because I was ‘bored.’  I broke up because I was genuinely unhappy and because I did everything I could to save our relationship, even to my own detriment, and she just sat back and watched me drown oblivious to all of it.

Here’s how I felt/feel (comes in waves still…like Vietnam flashbacks, but sexier) being the male dumper…

I AM SATAN: I am the worst human being to ever live.  I have ruined her life, and deserve nothing but pain and torture for all eternity for doing so.

I AM A LIAR: All the times I told her how much I loved her, how I’d never leave her, how I wanted to marry her…it’s all bullshit.  I said those things and I believed them…then towards the end I said them out of habit…I told her I’d always be there, and then I ripped that away…taking me back to being Satan.

I AM ALONE: It’s been 5 months since we broke up and I haven’t been with anyone else.  I can’t stop thinking about her and talking about her.  I will rant about our relationship to anyone who will listen trying to get someone to confirm to me that I did the right thing…something I can hold onto while I sleep alone in this cold noisy city.

I AM PATHETIC: I check my phone and email all the time looking for a text from her or some email.  Not even sure what I’d really want it to say…somedays I’d love to hear that she never wants to see me again.  Somedays I want to hear about how much she misses me…most days I don’t get anything but I still wake up in the middle of the night and look at my phone, check my facebook (I just stopped checking her facebook…that was a struggle) etc hoping for…something….

I AM ANGRY: I’m so mad at her…and I can’t even tell her.  I’m so mad at her for making me feel so guilty and constantly apologizing for my decision to end it…it DOES take TWO to end a relationship…at least a meaningful one it does.  I’m so sick of saying ‘I’m sorry,’ and all this self deprecation I do for her talking about how stupid I was and how awful I am and how great she is…when if she was that great I wouldn’t have broken up and been so damned miserable…but I bite my tongue cause I’ve got a gag in my mouth called GUILT.

I AM DOUBTFUL: In my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing…but it doesn’t mean that I don’t question my decision everyday with a small sliver inside wanting things to just go back to how they were. 

So, Girl, here is my question for you.  What should one do to help them survive that first month of the break up?

Yours truly,

BOY